Weddings are (sometimes) wonderful

This week’s blog post is much more personal than usual. It’s also not going to be all that critical. In fact, I’ll go further than that: it’s downright celebratory and it’s celebrating weddings. I know that is totally off-brand, but don’t worry! There’s a whole lot more criticizing and considering, unpacking and problematizing coming your way. It’s just that right now I’m on a high so I’ll be spouting pure positivity for the next 1000 or so words. So if you’re feeling generally bitter, cynical and salty (which I am a lot of the time), this might be one to avert your eyes from so you don’t get too much sunshine and synthetic glitter in them. However, if glittery sun-kissed eyeballs are what you’re after, stay tuned.

Guess what: I have just increased the number of weddings I’ve been to by 25%! That’s right, my own wedding wasn’t the only wedding I experienced in 2018! It wasn’t even the only wedding of 2018 in my family, because my dad just got married! (I seem to have started a trend, which is NOT what I intended).

Whatever my long thought out and well-considered opinions about marriage are, they could never stand up to my excitement at going to a wedding, let alone my father’s. In fact, notwithstanding my misgivings about marriage as a construct, I LOVE going to weddings. I love the element of ceremony and formality that gives structure to a party. (I really like having things to DO at parties, other than just being thrown out at sea and expected to “mingle”). I love the extra level-up of fanciness, where you get to see everyone at their most polished and glowing. I love the extendedness of a wedding party, how it goes on and you see sides of people you’d never known before. And I love speeches! I love hearing people speak admiringly and lovingly about their friends or family members. I also particularly love the odd combination of people that end up at weddings, consisting of the family, friends and various connections of two separate people. That, coupled with the charged and (hopefully) love-filled atmosphere creates the perfect catalyst for being served some mild but delicious drama. Needless to say, if you are one of the people actually getting married or are otherwise involved in the planning, the drama you experience can be downright traumatic. However, if you are simply a guest, you can sit back and enjoy watching people meeting each other who usually wouldn’t, and politely interacting over champagne and snacks.

Of course, the real reason I was so excited to go to this particular wedding was that I got to see my dad maybe the happiest I’ve seen him since I started noticing the happiness level of my parents. And also, crucially, it was an excuse to break up my winter with a visit to see my family and friends and home. Because weddings do have one thing going for them for certain: other than funerals, which do not have that golden sheen that makes family dysfunction endearing, it’s the one time that everyone gets together in the same place.

Also, as I’ve mentioned before, whatever your personal thoughts and feelings about marriage are, they do hold great significance in our society. So when my dad told me and my sister he was getting married, I experienced a series of reactions that were totally involuntary and quite unexpected. It began with excitement: My dad’s getting married! This was followed immediately by anger that he was doing it so soon. WAIT for ME to get back from Japan, dammit!!!! I was struck by immense sorrow and moroseness for the next few days, and it surprised me by occupying my feelings entirely. After enough time, as well as a few finance-related conversations, I decided to take the trip back to attend the wedding, and then I was just over the moon. Having never been to a wedding of someone so close to me before (other than myself I guess) I was totally unprepared for how emotionally affected I was by it.

If your family is really terrible, even the golden sheen of a wedding is not going to help. For some people, the tension of a wedding is simply an extra strain on such relationships and your family could end up more battered than before. I acknowledge this.

But this is not the case for me. I love my immediate family to bits. My extended family has complications, but I can enjoy them in the aforementioned golden-sheened context. Sure, I have uncles who say things like “that’s what you’ve got to look forward to” when anyone says anything about their children, and aunts who say “finally she’s made an honest man out of you” kind of seriously, but who doesn’t? Exposed to such every day I might lose my mental but at a wedding I can just down my champagne, drift away and use it as a good anecdote at some other gathering made up of more like-minded folk. (Also, I have some new family now, who wonderfully increase the ratio of family I actually like to those I can tolerate in the golden-sheened times.)

Family is complicated: my dad’s new wife is now invited to family events that involve a large number of Afrikaans men arguing with each other loudly. I now have a mother in law who sometimes writes emails in all caps to my mother. Even if you don’t plan your relationships to change after marriage, because of the significance our society attaches to it, they inevitably will. However, if these relationships give you even a little more joy than grief, you can count yourself lucky. And if there’s one thing my visits home during my first time living far away has taught me, it’s that when it comes to family, I’m one of the luckiest ones around.

There is one more reason why I appreciated this wedding of my dear father and his beloved. It gave me another example of a way to do a wedding that is non-traditional, not wasteful and really true to the people getting married. Like mine, it was a budget wedding with a couple of splurges: food was potluck, there was no hired photographer, big wedding gown or professional hair or make-up, and décor was simply roses and the beauty of the outdoors. I didn’t ask about the budget, but I’m guessing the two most expensive things were the beautiful farm venue, and the horses that the bridal party came through riding. Which was absolutely fabulous. There is nothing wrong with being extra, as long as you’re doing it for things that really bring you joy, (#konmarieyourlife #konmarieyourwedding) and not because that is how a wedding is supposed to be.

I have a lot to say about why weddings are weird, and a lot of criticisms how they can be harmful, stressful, and wasteful and how they work to uphold the colonialist capitalist heteropatriarchy, but there is one big thing for which I really appreciate weddings: they gave me a reason to jump on a plane and spend time with my most loved family, friends, pets and landscapes twice in 2018. And for that I am very grateful.

Okay, that’s enough cheese, although much needed after a long year. Now stay tuned for more biting criticism coming your way in 2019!

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Welcome to a brand new additional section of Weddings Are Weird: Anti Wedding Inspo!

Are you sick of #weddinginspo that is boring, unoriginal, way too time consuming, way too expensive or all of the above? Or just altogether not enough murder, anguish, absurdity and melodrama in it for your liking? Welcome to the club! In this section, I'll be showing you some #antiweddinginspo from literature, history and pop culture to counteract all the sickly sweetness with some much needed bitterness and salt.

In today's #antiweddinginspo: The Red Wedding from Game of Thrones

There's nothing quite like a mass murder to add some spectacle to your special day! And turning family drama into the main event of the wedding?? I die!!! But seriously, wait till you see what happens when the band starts to play in this sumptuous #riverlands wedding full of #fallcolours. Amazing!

The old world charm really comes through in the #rustic table settings and lighting choices. Magical!

An unexpected splash of red goes gorgeously with the muted tones of the wedding decor.

Touching #fatheranddaughter moment walking down the aisle! Love that veil <3

This bride decided to keep it #traditional with a bedding ceremony. What an interesting custom! #bedding #consummatedmarriage

Living for this #dynamic neck piece. Perfect for the mother of the person-who-was-supposed-to-be-groom-but-isn't!

Stay tuned for more #antiweddinginspo in the months to come! <3 <3