Public Proposals PSA: Don't do it!

So, it’s Valentine’s Day. It’s a time of romance, flirtation, love, hearts, and rampant consumerism. And sometimes, grand romantic gestures. For example: spectacular, public, marriage proposals. And I guess I’m too late to curb anyone’s plans (sorry, I was too busy making giri-giri chocolate cupcakes for my office last night to finish this blog post), but let this serve as a PSA for the future if you are planning on proposing to someone someday: unless you are really really sure it’s what your partner would want, PLEASE DO NOT DO A BIG GRAND PUBLIC PROPOSAL.

Before you jump on me as someone who refuses to let others experience joy, let me explain myself. If you really know your partner well, and you know they’d love a big public proposal with a flash mob or aeroplane writing in the sky on Valentine’s Day, go for it. I’m not saying there’s anything intrinsically wrong with grand romantic gestures. They can be wonderful, and romantic, and beautiful.They can be amazing. That is, IF (and it’s a big if) everyone involved is fully on board with it.

So, before you order the flock of doves and brass band, just make sure you ask yourself a few questions first.

1) Are you sure your partner likes big surprises, and being the center of attention in this way?

2) Are you really really really sure?

3) Are you sure your partner is going to say yes?

4) Do you think your partner would say yes regardless of your proposal method? As in, do they really want to spend the rest of their life with you?

5) Are you absolutely positive you are not making a big public show of the proposal to increase the likelihood of your partner saying “yes”?

6) Ask yourself question 5) again.

If you find that your answer to any of the above questions is not a resounding “yes”, RECONSIDER.

Because here’s the thing. Even if you don’t think this is what you are doing, by proposing in such a grand and public way, you are putting a lot of pressure on your partner to say yes. Nobody wants to say “no” in front of a huge crowd of people all eagerly waiting for that “yes”.

So many people are watching! This is the stuff that goes viral. If I say no in front of everyone, I’ll disappoint them all. Or worse yet, we’ll be the drama that everyone watching now will talk about for weeks to come. Their jaws will drop, they’ll turn away, and seconds later, behind raised hands, giggle and gleefully gossip about the epic fail of a proposal. I’ll be vilified, pitied, and discussed whenever the topic of proposals comes up. If anyone filmed it (which they probably did) it will end up under a “proposal rejections” compilation.

How many public proposal acceptances are later rescinded, I wonder? I don’t have the data, but I’m willing to bet it’s a fair chunk. Because a “yes” under such circumstances isn’t necessarily a “yes” at all. It’s a “yes” under pressure. A “yes” under duress. To a degree, it’s a coerced “yes”. A not-fully-consensual “yes”.

I haven’t been using gendered pronouns up until now, because people of any gender can get married (whether or not it’s fully legal) and people of any gender can propose. However, when it comes to heterosexual couples, the vast majority of those doing the proposing are men. And that is why it isn’t so surprising that so many people do public proposals, despite the fact that most women would prefer being proposed to in private. Because men are really good at performing culturally learned behaviors that serve to assert dominance and control the situation, while at the same time getting praised for their chivalry and perhaps not even noticing themselves that what they are doing is coercive. And let’s be honest, a lot of them are also not that good at communicating with their partners (hello toxic masculinity!)

I’ll put aside my doubts in humanity for the moment, and assume that most men aren’t consciously thinking that they are coercing a “yes” from the way they propose. But there are certainly those who are thinking something along the lines of, “If I go so out of my way to plan such an amazing proposal, she must say yes! It would be plain mean not to”. This argument is a not-so-distant cousin of the “Nice-Guy” argument.

“I deserve to be your boyfriend, because I’m a Nice Guy. I’m not a jerk, like those other guys. Therefore, it follows that if you deny me you are a slut and a bitch.”

“I did all this for you, therefore I deserve a 'yes.' It follows that if you say 'no', you are a slut and a bitch”.

I’m guessing most people reading this wouldn’t think it in those terms. But there just may be a tiny part of you thinking that she will be so bowled over by the romance of the proposal that her heart will be so full and a "yes" will bubble out of her. Anyway, whether you want it that way or not, a public proposal backs the proposee into a corner. There is no way to say “no” in that situation that isn't terrible for everyone involved. Public proposals fall into the same category as all the classic rom-com behavior that is actually stalkerish and creepy: following someone to the airport to stop them from getting on a plane, showing up at their house even though they are currently in a long-term relationship, professing your love for them in front of the whole school. Basically, it's manipulative AF.

And according to Lisa Hoplock, who got her Ph.D. in wedding proposals, while some may enjoy public proposals, most women would prefer a private affair. She also found that even among women who accepted the proposals, it was common to say “he should have known better”. This phrasing is important: “he should have known.” Because really, if you don’t communicate well enough with your partner to know that they wouldn’t want a public proposal, maybe you shouldn’t be getting married in the first place.

Granted, I may be falling into the trap of perceptual salience, where I think these proposals are happening a lot just because when they do, they become very visible and shared and re-shared online. Probably, most people don’t do public proposals. And possibly for those that do, most belong to that small subset where both members of the couple enjoy grand, public romantic gestures. But there are definitely those that don’t work out and end up going viral for all the wrong reasons.

In fact, I was once involved in one such public proposal. I was young, innocent and had naively assumed that they must have the kind of relationship that involved such gestures. That she may be surprised in the moment, but it would have been something that had been vaguely discussed before or had had hints dropped about it. But this was very much not the case. The moment he popped the question, it was suddenly made clear to all of us watching, (who had flash-mob style handed the potential bride flowers as she walked down the garden path, and were now watching eagerly as the band played), that life is not a rom-com.

She was visibly horrified. Perhaps that is too strong a word, but definitely deeply discomfited. Embarrassed. Wished the earth would swallow her up. Oh. I realized. She had no idea this was coming.

After he asked, there was silence for what seemed like an eternity. He was staring up at her imploringly. She was nervously smiling, wide-eyed, wanting to disappear. The rest of us were all internally cringing. Finally, she nodded. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. They hugged. The band began to play again. She still looked embarrassed. And I'm not proud to say that this event served as a popular topic of conversation in my family for quite some time. in fact, here I am now, repeating for all of you something that happened almost ten years ago. I’m telling you kids, this stuff sticks!

It was so clear in that moment that the proposee didn’t like being the center of attention, probably at all, and certainly not in this context. So the next question is, if he didn’t even know that his own girlfriend was a shy person who would have preferred an intimate proposal, should he really have been asking her to marry him? The answer is, of course, NO!

So perhaps we should go back to the questions from before. If any of your answers to them are “I’m not sure”, maybe now is not the best time to get married. First, get to know your partner a bit better. Start listening to them more. Don’t just listen to their words, but listen to their body language. Learn the subtle movements they make when they are uncomfortable, learn the things that make them beam with joy and the things that fill them with dread. And if and when the time comes, propose to them the way you know they’d want to be proposed to. Because in the end, whether you like them or not, a relationship is not about grand gestures. It’s about the intimacy and understanding that builds up from loving someone so much that your greatest desire is to know what makes them happy, and to deliver that to them.

(Maybe it's a dinosaur-themed engagement photo shoot, maybe not).

So go out there and communicate with your loved ones!

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Anti-Wedding Inspo

In this week's #anti-weddinginspo, it's Rudolph Valentino and Jean Acker. This couple may have both started the trend of short celebrity marriages, and also win the prize of shortest celebrity marriage ever. The two actors married in 1919, after which Acker promptly locked Valentino out of their honeymoon suite. The marriage lasted 6 hours.

Absolutely #living for this #wavedhair and #darklipstick combo. It really goes beautifully with the obviously deep discomfort of being gripped by this droll and lifeless man!

Acker had relationships with both women and men. She was a member of the so-called "sewing circles", a group of actresses who were forced to conceal much of their love lives because they were lesbian or bisexual. It has been speculated that her marriage to Valentino was a strategy to quell suspicions.

Wow, that eyeliner really goes with the wistful look of sexual repression. #beardgoals!

All jokes aside, props to Jean for realizing that this was not what she wanted, and walking out of an ill-conceived marriage, but not before taking full advantage of the honeymoon suite. ;)