Weddings are weird

... And so is marriage.

This blog has a slightly misleading name. It’s really more about marriage than weddings per se. I wanted to make that clearer in the title, but my commitment to alliteration ended up being greater than my commitment to accuracy. In my unsuccessful quest to attain both at the same time, I looked up synonyms of the word ‘weird’. ‘Abnormal,’ Google told me. ‘Unusual’. ‘Unconventional’. Somehow, these words didn’t sit right. This is because, in my sense of the word ‘weird’, many highly usual, conventional and you could even say socially expected things are very weird. Gender roles, for instance. The criminal justice system. Religion, work parties, adults drinking milk (whether or not you object to this on ethical grounds, it’s still fucking weird). And to my mind, two of the weirdest conventional things are weddings, and the institution of marriage.

I’ll be the first to agree that weddings are damn fun.

They can be romantic, emotional and beautiful. They tend to include delicious food, drinks and dancing. There are people looking their best and feeling their best. There are flowers, cake and glittering lights. There are opportunities to talk to people you don’t usually talk to, as well as party hard with your friends. Families are brought together, and love is in abundance. They’ve got all the things that fill one with misty feelings of joy and reaffirm one’s jaded heart that there is love and beauty in the world.

But at the same time, weddings are characterized as stressful, tense, and infused with a constant threat of disaster. There is endless media dedicated to the fights that supposedly occur between bridesmaids (but not groomsmen), family members and even between married couples themselves. There is pressure for it to be ‘the best day of your life’ which somehow hangs in the balance of whether the tablecloths that have been procured are the right shade of burgundy or not. And all of these narratives are painfully gendered, in the sense of being almost exclusively directed at womxn and brides. For men, marriage is at best seen as simply the beginning of one’s family life, and at worst, the end of one’s carefree bachelor years and the beginning of life attached to the ‘ball and chain’ (gross). For same-sex couples the narrative is considerably smaller and for nonbinary people it’s practically nonexistent.

The significance of marriage to the community and wider society is no less bizarre. Is marriage primarily a legal state? Or is it more to do with religion? Is romance its central aspect? What about economics? Different places and cultures at different points in time have involved these aspects to different degrees in their traditions of marriage. Marriage has been related to global politics, a sanction on sexual relations, financial security, and status. Today, the predominant narrative in the media at least, is one of romance. Marriage is for when you’ve found that ‘one’ with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, and have a family with. But religion figures a great deal in many people’s weddings and their understanding of marriage. It is very common to get married in church by a priest, and many consider marriage to be an instrument of god. In our nation-state-centric society, the law plays a huge role in marriage. You have to follow certain bureaucratic procedures. Each state stipulates its own law on who is allowed or not allowed to get married. Marriage comes with changes in legal status. It may be used as a method of attaining citizenship. But in a bizarre loop back from legality to romance, most countries require those getting married to someone outside of their own country to provide proof that they have a romantic relationship and are not just getting married for a visa.

All in all, I think it’s safe to say that the significance of marriage in today’s society is considerably murky.

One thing that has confused me personally with regards to marriage lately, is how an individual’s views on it seem capable of changing very easily depending on the topic at hand. In recent years, in my friendship circles at least, it seems to be more and more acceptable to criticize the norms around marriage. I am fully aware that in many circles (for example on the island I currently live in Japan), marriage is still totally the norm and those who don’t do it are looked down on. But in my previous context, university campuses of South Africa, it was becoming very ordinary to criticize marriage as a patriarchal institution, as a heteronormative construct, and to decide not to do it. In fact, I was one of the very people who had decided not to do because it seemed too inextricably entwined with toxic traditions and ideas.

But, at the same time, the very people who I heard criticizing marriage, would turn around and gush with excitement if they heard about a friend’s engagement. I have friends now who will talk at length about how ridiculous it is that marriage is seen as a life achievement, how it really doesn’t mean anything and it’s ‘so heteronormative’, who without missing a beat will coo at my wedding photos.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m right there with you, friends! I am guilty of doing those exact same things. I too have the same criticisms but also get excited about weddings. And I’m happy that you share your thoughts about it with me but also congratulate me and celebrate my decision. But I do want to explore this seeming double standard, destabilize things a little, and also try to figure out where I stand on the matter (without getting too comfortable). The obvious answer is that it comes down to individual choice, but I’d like to dig deeper and see where these choices and conflicting thoughts and feelings come from.

At the very least, I’d like us to acknowledge that weddings may be beautiful, marriage may be rewarding, but both of them are definitely super weird.

**Edit: A previous version of this blog post incorrectly claimed that in South Africa, one can only get legally married in a church or Home Affairs. In fact, one can also get married in a private dwelling provided the marriage is conducted by a licensed marriage officer. The blog has been updated to correct this error**

#weddings #marriage #patriarchy #bridezilla #engagement #genderroles